It’s me, Tabatha, ready to finally talk about what happened. This summer was one for the books, in the worst way possible, but it didn’t start off that way. Here’s my journey to why, I’m always asking why.

June started off typical here in Colorado, hot, miserable and not my thing. I don’t know why I can’t adjust to this place. Maybe it’s the people, the altitude, or the lack of family, but I hate it here. I’m Im not an outdoorsy person, hiking? Haha. No. But I went into June with a new outlook, I’m here, so let’s make the best of it. I did my first 5k, I kicked ass for someone who is a professional couch sitter. It was actually a good time, and I considered doing it again. We also went to a magical place, maybe the best place in Colorado, Estes Park. The elk are huge and walk right up to you, the views are awe worthy, and the people are friendly. It was five very magical days. We even stayed at the infamous Stanley Hotel, where there is definitely paranormal activity. That is one place I will forever be grateful I was able to sleep at. Walking around the grounds day and night, we even found an animal graveyard. It was everything I needed at the time, not knowing what would come next.

We come home and I feel off, sick maybe? This unrelenting heartburn, visit the doc and days later my gallbladder came out. That was June 29, and the following days became my personal hell. I spent the entire month of July in and out of the hospital. They would admit me, give me fluids for days and send me home. It was a vicious cycle. I was dying. I didn’t eat food the whole month. No one would listen, I was told it was in my head, I was made to see psych to be cleared. They wouldn’t listen. Until one ER doctor, that I can’t even remember due to being so ill, said something is really wrong and sent me to a civilian hospital. Within 48 hours the neurologist knew exactly what was wrong with me. Thiamine deficiency. Vitamin B, or lack of it, was killing me. I spent 2 weeks in that hospital and 8 days inpatient intensive physical therapy to learn to walk again. Officially I have wernekes with up facing vertical nystagmus. So my eyes bounce all the time. Every. Single. Moment. Awake, asleep, no matter, they bounce up and down. My legs work, kinda, I walk with elbow crutches, my memory is shit, it’s all a mess. I have 2 different neurologist, physical therapy twice a week, and my primary care doctor hears my name weekly I’m sure. I am on the books to see a trauma therapist. There’s just a lot. It’s all a lot.

I’m miserable everyday. All the time. The life I wanted is gone and accepting that is hard. I don’t want too, I’m not even sure I know how too. I’m exhausted all the time. I have mom guilt. I struggle. I’m struggling. So if you want to follow along, understand I’ll forever be honest, as I see it, but it won’t always be pretty.

✌🏽tabatha

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